14 Of Captain Holt’s Most Relatable Quotes From ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine.’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Captain Raymond Holt shares some of his best humor even with a face that rarely seems to show any emotion. Here are some of our favorite one-liners from everyone’s favorite police captain.

Kiley Hill

AfterBuzz TV Host & Writer
Posted On: November 22nd, 2021 10:00 pm pst

Maria Menounos
Keven Undergaro
AfterBuzz TV Founders

Founded by Emmy winning journalist Maria Menounos and Producer Keven Undergaro, AfterBuzz TV is the artist-friendly entertainment news platform that celebrates, discusses, interviews, promotes and reports on the widest range of stars, creators and content through video, audio and article publications.

Captain Holts Best Lines

Credit: Fremulon

Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Captain Holt is a character that people can’t judge at first glance because there’s more than meets the eye. Although a very deadpan face, Raymond Holt holds tons of humor in his relatable remarks. Here are some of our favorite quotes from him. 

“Everything is garbage. Never love anything.”

Bad breakup? Yeah, we’ve all thought of this one before. 

“I tried to suck it up and go back to work. I put on my uniform and got in my car. And next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Mexico. I didn’t even pack a bag. I bought a bundle of novelty shirts at a nearby gift shop.” 

Haven’t we all almost done this before?

Amy: “But you hate humor. 

Captain Holt: “Well, I’m a joke now, so it suits me.”

‘Nuff said.

Jake: “It’s the most fun day of the year. Something you wouldn’t understand because you’re not programmed to feel joy.”

Captain Holt: “Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.” 

When seasonal depression meets the holiday season.

Sergeant Jeffords: “Joining us for lunch, Sir?”

Captain Holt: “Oh, no, I’ve already consumed the required calories for this day period.” 

We’ve all done this when starting a diet… Not fun.

Gina: I did a little sleuthing on your rivals. You want me to spill the beans?”

Captain Holt: “Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They’re one of nature’s most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.” 

When you’re trying to teach your parents 21st-century lingo and it’s just been a fail.

“I would. I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired. So I’m gonna take a nap, but when I wake up, oh, you are in for it.” 

Naps fix everything, but they don’t mean we forget!

“Let me begin with a hilarious joke. I’m surprised I was on the shortlist for commissioner. After all, I am six feet tall.” 

Trying to start your big presentation off on the right foot but no one gets your sense of humor.

“Oh, I’ve caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.”

Everyone after sending a risky text… Yikes!

“Look at that. You’ve helped me find my smile.”

We all have that one person that never fails to bring out a smile! 

“When I was seven, I used to sneak into my father’s office to see his collection of antique globes.”

The rebel life of childhood.

“I’m considering it. I’m interested. I agree to participate.”

When your friend asks you to go out for Margarita Monday.

Charles: “Nikolaj had a half-day at school for Mariano Rivera’s birthday. I’m watching him on my lunch break. Nikolaj, say “hi” to Captain Holt.” 

Nikolaj: “Hi, Captain Holt! How’s Mr. Kevin?”

Captain Holt: “Stressed. His annual budget review is today, and a recent change in federal policy means his grant situation is tenuous. At best.” 

“Nikolaj: “Okay.”

Not knowing how to talk to your friend’s newborn child.

“Oh, I see what’s happening here. Uh, due to an issue with the Internet cloud, you are seeing a series of pictures that have nothing to do with me or the 99th precinct.”

We’ve all been confused with the Cloud at some point or another!

Founded by Emmy winning journalist Maria Menounos and Producer Keven Undergaro, artist-friendly AfterBuzz TV is the world’s largest digital broadcast network and pop culture news platform, producing post-game ‘after-shows’ for nearly all favorite TV shows, interviewing cast and showrunners and providing the widest video, audio and article coverage of shows, content and influencers than any entertainment news platforms in existence

“We don’t just celebrate and cover the top shows, content and stars, we celebrate and cover ALL the shows, content and stars.”

Maria Menounos

About The Author:

Kiley Hill is a senior at Penn State University majoring in broadcast journalism focusing on TV reporting and minoring in entrepreneurship and innovation with a focus on new media.

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