The Funniest Lines From ‘The Righteous Gemstones’!

In honor of Danny McBride and Jody Hill’s The Righteous Gemstones return to HBO for Season 2, these are some of the funniest quotes of the show so far. And one bonus quote to truly capture the show’s spirit!

The Danny McBride-John Goodman-led show about religious mega preachers is whip-smart with terrific writing and zinging one-liners. The Gemstones look to maintain their evangelical empire but that is not always easily done, leading to members of the family and their loved ones taking whatever actions are necessary.

Here are some of the highlights!

Judy’s Outback SteakHouse Monologue to BJ

While she may be the overlooked child of the family, Judy Gemstone is anything but a wilting flower. This is best exemplified in her apology speech to her boyfriend BJ late in season 1. Here is where she reveals her past relationship where she had an illegitimate affair with a married man and then kidnapped his son culminating in a punchline masterfully played by Edi Patterson’s who is comic perfection in this scene establishing her as a standout character in a show full of them.

“They took away Laird. They just took him away in the police car. And me and Dr. Carmichael weren’t boyfriends and girlfriends after that”.

BJ and his Declarations and Defense of Love

“You save that piss for my chest”

BJ is a largely submissive character to Judy for most of the season. Until after their fight when a new BJ breaks into the Gemstone compound to declare his love for Judy. His entire appeal and plea for her love are hilarious but the punchline/seduction line is a perfect note to end his declaration.

In the Season 2 premiere, after a shotgun wedding at Disney, the new BJ stands up to the rest of the family’s criticisms over their marriage.

“What legacy character were we supposed to go for that’s better than Prince Eric?”

Jesse’s Car Pranks Defense

McBride’s Jesse is in line to be the new head of the church after Eli steps down. But he also has his demons and a large part of season 1 is dealing with those repercussions. Defending himself to Amber after a car chase, he argues:

“Nothing. Them just some fellas I play car pranks with”

Keefe Is The Baby

Keefe is the project/best friend of Kelvin, the youngest son, who Kelvin rescued from satanism. After they fight, Keefe reverts and re-enters a Satanist club. Kelvin goes to rescue him only to be told that he is now the baby.

‘The Baby. Yeah, he is currently rediscovering some things about himself. Yeah. Transforming back into his primordial state of being” “He’s already strapped in, zoned out. He’s currently sinking below his reality as we speak”

The final reveal of the suit that Keefe is in only heightens the punchline.

Kelvin and his Muscle Men and God Squad

In Season 2, Kelvin has formed the God Squad, a squad of muscular and ripped shirtless men who praise God to school children in elaborate stunts. This opens him up to ridicule from many family members. As he opens his camp, Kelvin defends himself as:

“All members of the Kelvin Gemstone God Squad are here voluntarily. We lift, we pray, and we are mindful of our diets… Clean living, being ripped, and getting high on Christ.”

This is a continuation of his arc as the little brother desperately tries to gain approval in the most comedic and ridiculous ways while also not admitting his true self

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Baby Billy Freeman’s Religious Revival Vision

Eli’s late wife’s baby brother, Baby Billy, played marvelously by Walton Goggins is a con man in the guise of a preacher. By the end of S1, he has moved on from the Gemstones to preaching his own revival ministry claiming his own personal experience in Heaven.

“ And as I looked into the pearly gates, God said, ‘It ain’t your time, Baby Billy. It ain’t your time.’ And as He lowered me on this earth like a little old baby bird, He whispered in my ear, he said, ‘Billy, spread my word. Teach them what I have shown you.’ And in that moment, in that moment, my wife and I, we knew what our mission… – Our purpose in this world was.”

Goggins delivers this religious experience with perfect coming timing and styling.

Following that, his wife Tiffany immediately continues selling his vision.

“Amen! Baby Billy The Electric Preacher ! Now if y’all want a hand drawn copy of what Baby Billy saw in Heaven, it’s 39.99. And if you want one in crayon, it’s 59.99 !”

Eli Announcing GODD

To kick off Season 2, Eli Gemstone unveils a new streaming service at the weekly sermon. Announcing the service to combat Hollywood, it is unveiled as:

“We do need Jesus’s love more than ever. We are introducing a streaming platform where you can access Christian programming, 24/7 unlimited whenever you need it. We call this service GODD, Gemstones on Digital Demand” … “Streaming services !” ‘Amen !”

The Gemstones are still mega preachers in the business of getting rich even as they put on a pious front. Including almost naming their streaming service God.

Eric Andre’s Lyle Lisson

Eric Andre joins the main cast in season 2 as a competing mega preacher. Attempting to join forces, Jesse and Amber go to one of his sermons where Lyle blesses congregants with the Holy Spirit who then pass out and fall over. The reason for their meeting is a pitch.

“We got plans to construct a temple of sun and sand in honor of our love for Christ. We’re calling this place Zion’s Landing. It’s a Christian timeshare resort on the sunny beaches of Florida”

Continuing the skewering of facetious mega preachers using religion as a cover to gain wealth.

Eli’s Final Sermon of Season 1

While most of the show is a broad comedy skewering hypocrisy, the show is not against religion as a whole and how it can be a force for good. This theme crystallized in the final sermon that Eli gives to close out Season 1. It’s a moving sequence for a show with regular dick jokes and some of the quotes above.

“By accepting one another for our shortcomings, our sins, our selfish behavior,. We are granted the ability to make mistakes as well. That’s what He gives us. The ability to begin again. To be forgiven.”

The Righteous Gemstones is currently airing its second season on HBO Sunday nights at 10pm ET/9pm CT/7pm PT and new episodes are simultaneously available on HBO Max.

About the Author

Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore is a senior Business of Creative Enterprises major at Emerson College based in Boston,MA. He loves all forms of entertainment whether film, television or on the stage. He is currently studying at Emerson's Los Angeles campus.