10 Hilarious Damon Quotes From ‘The Vampire Diaries’!

As CW’s The Vampire Diaries cast prepares for their reunion tour in 2023, many people are re-watching the show in preparation. While you do, you may come across any and all of these sarcastic, quippy quotes from our resident bad-boy vampire, Damon Salvatore. Here are some quotes to look back on!

Damon Salvatore, played by Ian Somerhalder, is one of the highlights of The Vampire Diaries, especially since his witty, snarky humor often lightens the mood of an otherwise dramatic show. While the show has been spun off twice in the form of The Originals and Legacies, with various comedic-relief characters, no one has been able to recapture the undoubtedly fun spirit of Damon’s dialogue. In 2023, the cast of The Vampire Diaries, including Ian, will be going on a reunion tour across the United States. In celebration of that, let’s look back at some of Damon’s funniest quotes.

“‘Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.’”

Season 3 was not only one of the best seasons of The Vampire Diaries but also one of the best seasons of “Damon humor.” Episode 16, “1912,” has this iconic gem where Damon mocks Stefan’s journaling… again. Brotherly banter at its finest.


MEREDITH: “Tell me that is not a bomb!”
DAMON: “Okay… it’s a kitten. An adorable, exploding kitten.”

Taking place in Season 4 Episode 3, “The Rager,” Damon sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong and needs to call Meredith Fell for help… only, of course, he doesn’t explain why. Even when shot with an arrow, which is attached to a wire attached to a bomb, Damon can’t help but be a snarky S.O.B., and we love him for it!


“You’re dead, dude. Get over it.”

Wise words, Damon. Yet another example of Damon mocking his younger brother in his older-brother-type fashion, Season 1 Episode 4, “Family Ties,” features Damon at his most antagonistic. All of season 1 has Damon at his most antagonistic, but the bluntness of this quote is truly something to marvel at.


MASON: “I’ve heard great things about you.”
DAMON: “Really? That’s weird… cause I’m a dick.”

Well, at least he’s self-aware. This is from Season 2 Episode 4, “Memory Lane,” and the quote honestly speaks for itself. ‘Nuff said.


“If I hear the word ‘doppelganger’ one more time, I’m going to need to learn how to spell it.”

Season 5 is chock full of doppelganger activity, from Silas to Stefan to Elena to Katherine and, surprisingly, more. Coming from Episode 1, “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” Damon’s exhaustion matches our own as doppelganger hijinks reach their peak with the reintroduction of the First Immortal, Silas. So there you go, Damon, we spelled it for you.


“Well, Matt lives to hate vampires another day, Stefan’s on Caroline duty, and I just introduced Mom to Uber. I’m taking bets on which one goes South first.”

The introduction of Damon and Stefan’s mother, Lilly, in Season 6 elevated the level of “Damon humor” exponentially. He’s also not wrong, their plans tend to go South all the time. This quote comes from Episode 18, “I Never Could Love Like That,” where basically everything that could be wrong is–as is the beauty of season 6.


“Aren’t you worried that one day all the forest animals are going to band together and fight back? I mean, surely they talk.”

Ah, a third installment of Damon mocking Stefan for one reason or another, this time: Vegetarian Vampire Diet Edition! Season 2 Episode 2, “Brave New World,” has Damon being extremely bitter about being rejected by both Katherine and Elena on the same evening. In Damon fashion, he’s going to make his misery everybody else’s problem. Though he does pose a good point, a chipmunk revolution could be brewing from Stefan’s eating habits…


“Do I look like I know anything about tattoos? Look at my skin. It’s flawless.”

Rude to anybody with tattoos, but funny nonetheless when you take into consideration he’s tied to a tree when saying it. Season 4 Episode 14, “Down the Rabbit Hole,” opens with Damon and co. on an island searching for The Cure, though Damon has been momentarily kidnapped for information. Playing dumb has never been this snarky, as Damon knows how to do it best.


*GASP* “I’m shocked. Stefan’s not a virgin?!”

Season 3 Episode 3, “The End of the Affair,” has a TON of comedic lines from Damon, but this is by far the funniest. Making fun of his little brother once again, this time to Stefan’s girlfriend while reading his journals detailing his bloody past, Damon really knows how to make a mockery out of a serious situation. And, again, we love him for it.


DAMON: *in a high-pitched, teddy bear voice* “Oh no! Is Stefan feeling sensitive about ruining his friendship with Caroline? She really liked him and he broke her heart!”
ALARIC: “See Stefan? Even the bear knew.”
DAMON: “I saw that from a mile away and my brain’s made of cotton!”

What’s better than Damon making fun of Stefan? Damon tag-teaming with Alaric and a teddy bear to make fun of Stefan. Season 6 Episode 8, “Fade Into You,” features this doubly adorable and hilarious scene where Damon and Alaric tease Stefan about Caroline, and oh boy, is it STILL iconic.


About the Author

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Daryn Snijdewind

Daryn Snijdewind is a media arts production major at Emerson College and an intern at AfterBuzz TV and Better Together with Maria Menounos. She loves movies and TV, and hopes to have a career in the entertainment industry one day.